Is nothing lasting? Happiness has been coming and going so quickly as of late, that is, if it actually is happiness and not momentary excitement. Please, please, please, just let me fall asleep forever. Let me lose consciousness and fade away into dreams.
I've been feeling so fatigued these days, which causes me to take naps in the middle of the day and consequently make it harder for me to sleep throughout the night. I don't know if this is a side effect of my medication, but I'm highly doubtful as they don't really seem to be doing much at all. Interested in alternative treatment, I stumbled across ECT, which is otherwise known as shock therapy.
From what I've read, the process usually results in memory loss, ranging in patients from small, recent events to twenty years worth of memories. Given the fact that I'm nineteen, I wondered if it would be possible for me to lose all my memories as a worst case result of ECT. It made me think about how much memories are capable of defining a person, like in Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, Blade Runner and Kingdom Hearts, to a certain extent. With no memories, how does a person define one's self? Is it even possible? Is wiping memories like a clean slate? I wondered what I would gain by losing. In a way, it sort of fulfills my desire to say goodbye if I'm unable to remember anybody. Though I'd imagine it be somewhat tragic, having people tell you what kind of person you are while you can't remember yourself. But, to be willing to give up your memories, I suppose you'd have to be in a pretty bad place anyway, so perhaps you're better off not being who you were. But what pieces of self are unchangeable? Maybe, on a chemical level, there are a combination or hormones and cells or whatever that are forever unique to you, which means that you'll turn out the same no matter what happens. That's sort of depressing; to be given an inescapable, unalterable fate. At any rate, I've told myself that I wouldn't consider ECT for at least a year, given that it's only been a few months.
The more I think of it, the more I think that memories are a major contributor to the emotional pain I'm feeling. I've never been one to be good at letting things go, considering everything that enters my life to be special in some way that I can't afford to lose. So when it comes to reminiscing about good times, it's really difficult to accept the fact that particular moments may never happen again. They're lost to history and closed doors. I'm quite conflicted because I've always wanted some stability in life while also being unable to live without change. I guess that's typical of human nature when people are noticeably underwhelmed when they achieve a goal they had pursued for so long.
I feel however, as if I've achieved neither stability nor change in life. Or rather, when I've had a good equilibrium, I managed to break it and shatter my mind. But truthfully, I think I've just been doing what I want to do. Perhaps there are some issues of self-control that led to my tumble from the mountaintop, but ultimately I was just trying to grasp onto things that made me happy. Then, I feel as if everything suddenly disappeared and I have no idea how. Well, maybe some ideas, but they don't explain everything.
My thoughts are becoming cluttered as I reach this topic in my head, so I don't think I'm going to write anything else. The more "forward" I move, the more distant I feel from me. I'll just finish with some words that have repeated themselves in my head today, which somehow fulfills my need to express myself more than anything I've written or photographed today.
Die. Get lost. Think happy. You're wrong. Die. Stop. Die. Forget it. Fuck it. I hate. I hate. I hate. Cry now. Shut up. Die.