Today was an unusually pleasant day. When I say that, I literally mean that something about it unexpectedly brought me some happy feelings. Whenever I feel in a slightly better mood, I tend to brush off writing journals and stuff. But like one of my old teachers from high school told me, it's good to document the times when you're also in a good state of mind to remind you that things aren't completely doom and gloom. That being said, I'm not ecstatic, but I can safely say that this is the first step in the right direction I've had in a while, even though I don't know why.
It all starts from Friday with my journal entry about hating someone. I voiced that opinion and didn't look back, hoping that I would be closing that door. But there was something still bugging me. It was sort of like I didn't get as much closure as I had hoped, and later, on Sunday, I revisited the conversation. It's worth noting that yesterday night, I started to feel completely hopeless and unloved, noticing that I've always drifted from friend groups, never maintaining a solid bond with anybody over the years. I told myself that there was no place in this life for me to fit in, which is why I really wanted to slit my wrists and get everything over with. I cried myself to sleep, letting out the occasional silent scream, which would cause me to choke.
Going back to today, I felt worse than ever this morning. I reopened the chat window from Friday and sent a lengthy message about why I hated the other person and explained why I was going to attempt to kill myself later that day. After letting that out, I opened my school bag and took out the box cutter I would use to cut paper for art projects. I sliced my left forearm and it hurt a lot more than I had expected. Still, I kept on going with tears rolling down my face. At the same time, I was on Facebook chatting with friends, hoping they would distract me from the harm I was inflicting on myself. It was like there were two people inside of me desperately trying to pull me in two different directions. I got what I could from my friends, but as one would probably guess, chatting just isn't the same as hearing someone's voice. I stopped typing and slide the blade across my skin again, unsure how to proceed. After a few seconds, I pulled out my phone and called a hotline. Even though it was sort of difficult to feel comfortable talking to a complete stranger whose face I couldn't see, it kept me focused on something. Minutes later, my eyes had dried and I had calmed down. It then dawned on me that the closure I needed was to say let out my hatred directly at the person it was intended for, in person (or as close as I could get to it at the moment, which was the phone). I called her twice, waiting to tell her that I never wanted to see her again and that things would be better without her in my life. With no answer, I gave up. Then, I got a text from her telling me she was at work and couldn't take my call. I asked if she could call me when she was done her shift and she complied. It was depressingly bittersweet to think that I could finally let go and cut off what I felt was plaguing my life.
But then, I suddenly felt a memory flash inside my head. I couldn't tell you what it was about because it literally popped into my mind for a fraction of a second. Actually, it was more of a remembered feeling of happiness shared between that girl and me. Despite being so brief, that was all I needed. I felt as if I had achieved inner peace and was floating weightlessly. 6 o'clock rolled around, and that girl called me as she had promised. I told the situation just as I've written above and I felt even more at ease. She listened and told me she was glad. Nevertheless, I realized that I wasn't completely out of the woods yet; there are still a number of conflicts and problems to sort out in my head. I know that things aren't going to magically fix themselves and disappear at the snap of a finger, but I feel a little more hopeful about the future.